I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
