I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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