Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
