i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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