MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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