fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
