i just wanna soil my oats bro
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
