Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You can't motorboat a personality
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
