I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
