How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
