i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Randomize
