I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
