The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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