God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
