Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My vagina just recognized that song.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
