I am in a vortex of obligation.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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