When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
NoShamevember. You game?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
