My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize