News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
