Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
