The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
The feeling are messing with the penis
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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