dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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