I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
