The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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