beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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