she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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