Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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