We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
