if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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