Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Floor bacon is actually really good
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
