you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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