Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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