You can't special order awesome
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
