I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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