I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
