You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
