Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
