I wish they made helmets for livers.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
