You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
