I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
