I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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