She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
