ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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