direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
