just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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