i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
