i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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