Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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