After last night, I could never be a politician.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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