My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
