thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
